Quotes to look for in 2009

(NOTE: The following was written by a colleague in Hong Kong. Face it, we need a giggle every now and then.)

What will the economy do in 2009?

By Nury Vittachi

Will it recover? Will it fall further?

We asked representatives of every major professional group to sum up their members' opinions in a single sentence.

The results are in.

• The Air Traffic Controllers' Association said: "We reckon the whole thing is up in the air."
• The Archaeologists' Society said: "The economy will dig itself into the ground." The Air Pilots' Association said: "We will shortly be encountering a period of turbulence."
• The Automobile Association said: "We're giving it the green light."
• The Society of Blacksmiths said: "We're going to get hammered."
• The Botanists' Society said: "The problems extend right down to the roots."
• The Bricklayers' Union said: "It's going to hit a wall."
• The Chiropractors' Association said: "The important thing is to relax and let everything click into place."
• The Clockmakers' Society said: "It will tick over at first, but then wind down."
• The Association of Courier Companies said: "It'll get there, but take longer than you think."
• The Society of Dancers said: "We see it taking steps in the right direction."
• The Dentists' Association said: "Now this won't hurt a bit."
• The Electricians' Union said: "Sparks are going to fly."
• The Entomologists' Club said: "Our members say they can detect a buzz."
• The Farmers' Association said: "We see it growing organically from the ground up."
• The Fire-Fighters' Union said: "It'll crash and burn."
• The Society of Florists' said: "It'll blossom at first, but will then wilt."
• The Funeral Directors' Society said: "It's dead and buried."
• The Geologists' Union said: "It's as solid as a rock."
• The Hairdressers' Association said: "We're going to go long at the top but definitely short at the back and the sides."
• The Herpetologists' Club said: "It'll snake about a bit."
• The Human Resources Managers' Union said: "We see it downsizing."
• The Jockey Club (ed. note: These are the guys who run the horse racing in Hong Kong) said: "After lagging for a length it will beat the odds by a short nose."
• The Journalists' Union said: "It'll be SENSATIONAL."
• The Librarians' Society said: "Returns will be late coming and will incur penalties."
• The Lift Technicians' Union said: "We foresee a smooth descent to zero."
• The Glider Pilots' Association said: "It'll stay up for longer than most people think."
• Members of the Golf Club said: "It's going to be below par."
• The Explosive Materials Institute said: "It'll go with a bang."
• The Union of Miners said: "We see it falling into a big black hole."
• The Musicians' Association said: "After a slow start, it will rise to a major crescendo."
• The Union of Lumberjacks said: "Successive cuts will weaken the structure until it falls slowly to the ground with a loud crash."
• The Flight Engineers' Union said: "There be a short delay for technical reasons."
• The Interpreters' Club said: "The economy will fall, tomber, vallen, jatuh, cadere, falle or cair."
• The Financial Analysts' Society said: "It may go up, it may go down, or it may stay the same. Can I have my bonus now please?"
• The Marine Biologists' Institute said: "It's heading underwater."
• The Meteorologists' Association said: "The outlook is gloomy spells with scattered storms."
• The Petroleum Importers Society said: "It'll run out of gas."
• The Nanotechnology Institute said: "There will be improvements, but they will be very very very VERY small."
• The Nuclear Scientists' Union said: "Don't worry, nothing can go wrong. Just keep repeating that."
• The Union of Nurses said: "It'll be a bitter pill to swallow."
• The Oceanographers' Institute said: "Trouble is coming, wave after wave of it."
• The Opthalmologists' Union said: "It's hard to forecast as the top is clear but the bottom is a bit blurry."
• The Piling Contractors' Association said: "The most important thing is to lay a firm foundation."
• The Pilots' Society said: "We will shortly be beginning our descent."
• The Police Officers' Club said: "It will proceed straight ahead in a westerly manner before encountering disturbances counter to the maintenance of further onward progress."
• The Property Sales Association said: "It's as safe as houses."
• The Expectant Mothers' Society said: "You're laboring under a misconception."
• The Society of Public Relations Officers said: "There's going to be another massive fall, or what we prefer to call a 'negative rise'."
• The Psychiatrists' Union said: "You're all bonkers."
• The Association of Quality Control Inspectors said: "It's a reject."
• The Unlicensed Bus Drivers' Union said: "Hold tight, it's going to be a wild ride."
• The Skaters' Association said: "It's on thin ice."
• The Society of X-Ray Technicians said: "We can see right through this one."
• The Storytellers' Society said: "It will grow like Topsy."
• The Taxidermists' Union said: "It's totally stuffed."
• The Teachers' Union said: "Fail. Re-take. Must try harder."
• The Union of Time Signal Announcers said: "At the beep, the economy will go from recession to depression: Bip. Bip. Bip. Beeeeep."
• The Urologists' Conference said: "The notion of recovery just doesn't hold water."
• The Veterinary Surgeons' Union said: "Anyone expecting good news is barking mad."
• The World Council of Churches said: "Heaven only knows."